Mission 1: Cell Phone Charlie

I contacted Coffee Dispensing Dude and met with him in a secret location last night (The Sligo Pub in Somerville) to discuss the plan. CDD elaborated a little more on his initial letter and I've got to tell you, it really got my blood boiling.

CDD is a hardworking student whose parents are not rolling around in a lot of dough. He attends B.U. thanks to a scholarship, but his housing is not included in this package, so, like the vast majority of society, he's gotta work for a living. This means getting up at 5 in the morning and walking to the coffee shop while most of us are still sleeping. He then has to prepare the shop for caffeine guzzlers like yours truly and hope that some of us will be kind enough to drop a few coins in the tip jar. After a long morning shift, it's off to classes, then to the kitchen for Raman, then to the desk for homework.

Enter Cell Phone Charlie. He's your typical rich kid and boy does he love to flaunt it. He wears expensive casual wear, has expensive sunglasses and so on. He strolls into the coffee shop at about 10 AM, every day. CDD claims that Cell Phone Charlie doesn't appear to have morning classes or at least, he doesn't attend them. His hair is always tussled, sending the world a very clear message: I'm rich, I can sleep until whenever, the world revolves around me. Naturally, Cell Phone Charlie is using his favorite prop upon entrance and exit: His Cell Phone. He's very important, you know. He's a man in demand and a simple thing like common courtesy can't stand in between he and those in desperate need to converse with him, let alone a minion like CDD.

Over a beer at the Sligo (cardboard cut out of the St. Pauly Girl by our side), we settled on a gem of a plan, but it meant that we needed to get others in on it.

Early this morning, I recruited a few of my friends (no, they aren't ALL librarians) and we, along with some of CDD's co-workers got busy staging the scene. This one was easy, since most of us already have cell phones. All we needed to do was dress me in the standard coffee shop uniform and we were ready.

Like clockwork, Cell Phone Charlie came a-sauntering' on in at 10 AM. Immediately, everyone in the shop reached for their phones. He stood in line gabbing away (he is just as smug-looking as CDD had described), but slowly realized that everyone - including me, behind the counter dressed in my coffee shop garb - was fully engaged in a (one-way) conversation on our little gadgets. I, of course, ignored him when he came up to the counter. I reached into the mini fridge for creamer, then wiped down the espresso machine. I was doing my best to annoy his ass with lots of "Uh-Huh" and "Really?" and "Oh My God, no way!" My friends bumped into him while chatting away, pacing back and forth in front of the counter near him. CDD was in the back room, watching everything play out from the plastic circle window in the door. His co-workers were tidying up the dining area, actually talking to each other on their cell phones. This was pretty obvious to everyone, including Cell Phone Charlie. It proved to be the Pièce de Résistance. Finally, Cell Phone Charlie asked his pal to "hold on for a sec." The room hushed immediately. He looked around, eyes pierced, and bellowed: FUCK YOU ALL!

Naturally, we tried to keep in the laughter and feign shock. But there were a few grunts here and there, until he shuffled out of the coffee shop in complete and utter humiliation.

We celebrated over a round of cafe lattes and savored our victory.

Chalk one up for the good guys.